Hoo-ee, you'll love these: 2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes [via Boing Boing]! No priests-in-compromising-positions or 6-foot-tall phalli here, just good timely costumes like the "Littlest Abu Ghraib Prisoner," "Richard Reid the Shoe Bomber," the "Florida Electronic Touch-Screen Voting Machine," and my personal favorite, "Jenna Bush's Liver."

Women's magazines seem to come up with a "Top 10 Quick Ways To..." guide for every holiday from New Year's to Kwanzaa, and I stumbled on this one on MSN Women Magazine. At first glance, it looks like any other list of timesaving tips for harried holiday moms - but on closer inspection, I suspect it's a malevolent plot to turn Halloween into a domestic disaster:

Festive Foods

Here are some simple ways to spice up everyday foods:

1. Put a licorice straw into the breakfast orange juice, and pack an orange-dyed hard-boiled egg in the lunch box.
Because orange hard-boiled eggs are such a hit with the younger set these days.

2. Make American cheese the sandwich of the day, and cut a pumpkin shape into the top slice of bread.
Are we just too cheap to give the kid the whole slice of bread? "Mom, why does my sandwich have a hole in it?"

3. Poke cloves into an orange to make a smiling pumpkin face -- or just draw one on with a marking pen.
Don't forget to tell your kid the cloves-in-the-orange deal is called a pomander, and that they were very popular in the Middle Ages because they helped ward off the stench of death from the bubonic plague. That's very Halloween-y.

Last-Minute Costume Ideas

Look what you can make with garbage bags, balloons and a few crafty additions:

4. Dress your youngster as Robin Hood with a green plastic garbage bag belted in the middle, tights, and a V-shaped hat made of brown paper. Staple real or construction-paper leaves to pajamas, tights, an old shirt or another garbage bag, so Robin's companion(s) can come as Sherwood Forest.
Mom: garbage bags are not generally considered 'cool' costumes, falling somewhere below the Charlie Brown bedsheet ghost getup...and quite frankly, Robin Hood and his Merrie Men costumes are about as popular with boys today as the Village People. Remember those Village People costumes for kids you could get at Woolworth's? The Aquaman and Super Friends costumes? Am I dating myself?

Instead, why not have a 'CSI' theme? Just wrap junior up in a Hefty Cinch Sak™ and write the words "CORONER" across the front in white marker? Gnarly!

5. Alternatively, use the leaves and attach red, yellow or orange balloons to the costume. Presto: you're an apple, lemon or orange tree. (Leaves can be stuck to a headband as an extra touch.)
It'll all end in tears when some bozo starts popping your kid's balloon costume with a sharp object. Presto: you're a condom tree!

6. Blow up a multicolored group of balloons. Dress child in black turtleneck and tights, then make leg holes in a clear plastic dry-cleaner's bag. Slip legs through, then fill the bag with balloons. (Bag should reach from shoulders to thighs). Seal top and reinforce sides and bottom "seams" with clear wrapping tape. Your child is now a bag of jellybeans.
'Bag should reach from shoulders to thighs?' Pray tell, where do the kid's arms go? Translated: Presto! Your child is now not only the laughing stock of the neighborhood, but an emergency room trip waiting to happen as they waddle across traffic in balloon-stuffed sack.

Jack-O'-Lantern Tips

It wouldn't seem like Halloween without those smiling orange faces. Try these ways to make them better and faster.

7. To get that jack-o'-lantern cleaned out fast, use an ice cream scoop.
Don't forget that pumpkin guts make a delicious, vitamin-rich, high-fiber ice cream topping for those Halloween sundaes!

8. Line the bottom with aluminum foil and put a set of coiled miniature Christmas lights inside, making a little hole in the back to draw the cord through. It's safer, lasts longer, doesn't smell, and looks just as good. But if you must have the candle, cut the hole in the bottom of the pumpkin and use the stem end to pick it up. It's easier to position the candle without having to reach down inside the shell.
Hmmm. Let's see...what do you get when you combine a wet pumpkin cavity, aluminum foil, and a 120V power cord? See: "The Littlest Abu Ghraib Prisoner," above. Got insurance?

9. Don't forget to put the pumpkin on a mat, because as it decays, it can ruin the finish on a wooden table or shelf. Of course, instead of carving, you can simply draw a face on the pumpkin, having fun with magic markers, stickers or whatever, and it will last much longer.
Has anyone ever considered simply throwing the pumpkin away before its guts rot out?

10. Use a virtual pumpkin: cover a glass fishbowl or punch bowl with strips of orange crepe paper (or cover with watered-down tempera paint), add construction paper features, and put a candle or a flashlight inside.
Yes, because that will be so much easier to clean up when the kids throw your 'virtual pumpkin' against the side of your house or car.

Getting the Egg Out

And finally ...

11. Don't let the goblins spoil your holiday mood. If your house is "egged," apply a protein stain remover to make cleanup quick. Any product designed to remove food stains, such as Spray 'N Wash, will do the job.
Hey moms! A bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream Sherry will do the trick at less than half the price. After a couple of glasses, you really won't give a scheisse if your house is all covered in runny eggs.

Where was this domestic goddess when Monica Lewinsky was in her time of need?

---