In the last few years, nearly every grocery store has neutered their bagels. Thomas's Bagels are especially bad. They're soft and puffy, dull on the outside and spongy on the inside. They don't even fit in the toaster, for it seems that in the mid-1980s someone decided that making bagels larger constituted an obvious improvement.

Within hours, the toaster magnates hastily called a summit on the matter and agreed to retaliate by making larger toasters. This step angered the bagel syndicate, because it was not enough for them that their product merely be larger. No, the consumer must also appreciate that it's grown, and this requires a bagel slightly larger than whatever toaster you happen to have. An arms race was on, and the bagel makers fired back with bigger-than-the-toaster bagels. Toaster makers invented a newer, even larger toaster.

As of this writing, the American bagel is rapidly becoming a spheroid. [continue reading "What I Ate For Lunch"]